You reap what you sow... is that true?

My friend once told me that she did studied hard enough and she went into the exam hall as confident as possible. However, once she looked at the questions... they just look gibberish to her. She need to know what the question is asking or how on earth is she going to give the answers?

My case... well... I've studied hard and well. I memorized all the formulas needed and know well enough how to use them. I understood the concepts, the theories...... I thought I did well in the test too. I really did. Maybe a few silly mistakes here and there... a couple of marks deducted.. well, it's no big deal, but wait! When the results came out, it's totally not what I had expected. It's way... way, WAY, a lot less than what I had expected. It shattered my heart, my mind, my will to keep going; to keep fighting on... What's the use? Since I'm fated -yes, fated- to get such low and disgraceful marks anyway. What IS the point?

There's no point at all. I study to get that friggin degree... that's it. I've lost my interest in these subjects anyway. Sure, I get interested sometimes when the lecturer said something that I can relate to but most of the time... well, no. Those classes are just plain boring, with a capital B.

I'm at lost as to what to do. It's useless to fight to get what you want anymore. I've been proven right over and over again. It's like life doesn't want me to forget it and keep smashing my face into the pie that's called reality/facts. I've got to face the facts - I thought I did well, I thought I've studied well, but the results sucks #$%@ - Did I really did all the above well enough? I'm very convinced that I did though I might not be.

I just don't understand my situation here. Was my studying methods wrong? Was my understanding of the question wrong? Was I guided to the wrong direction by the lecturer? Was I blinded by the scary truth that I might be a dumb person after all? I need to know the truth, the answer... is there anyone to help me find it?

I SO hate myself right now (I'm not sorry for the high self-criticism - it's just me). What's wrong with me? If the problems are from me anyway. What the hell is wrong with me?

20 marks away from what I've aimed for is something not to look at lightly. It's a friggin 20 marks. Damn! And, FYI, I'm not stupid enough to aimed for full marks, mind you. I'm just aiming for 10 marks below the full marks. It's that just too much to ask?

Sigh. One of these days I'm really going to go crazy or something. Some other pressure I can handle but just not this... the fact that fate doesn't want me to succeed in life (right now). I'm just sad... disappointed... and depressed. Even those people who studied at the very last minute seem to get more marks than me. wtf. I've used 2 whole days to analyse, and understand, and memorize the facts that are given to us. I did focus myself as best as I could and I did remember all that needs to be remembered by the end of the 2-day study period.

Something must be wrong. I'm going to ask the lecturer for my test paper back and recheck the marks as well as her marking. That's the plan and I'll stick to it though the lecturer might be very reluctant to let me see the paper.

Well, guess this is it. A final showdown with fate during the finals and I'll see what I can get. If it's not as expected, then I guess I'll just shift to Arts or something. It's just useless to continue torturing myself by opposing the so-called fate.

Adios.

Almost there...

Hi again! I guess I always find myself here or hopping around the net (namely FB) when there's an exam tomorrow or something :P The worst part is even though I have plenty of time (4 days that is) to study, I seem to like to start studying late and now, I'm kind of like rushing to finish it. And yet... I'm here :|

A few more days till study leave and a few more till finals. Then, it's year 2 for me. Yikes! Time flies doesn't it? I'm approaching my 20th (thanks for always reminding me, mom :S) and that's not a good feeling at all. I just don't want to move on. Let me be a kid... stay as a kid and I'll be grateful, but then my parents won't be happy at all I guess.

Seriously, I've got to polish up my act here. I'm lazying/gaming away, ignoring what's more important in my life. Looking back, I can see my condition worsening over the years, it had not yet improved and I'm starting to worry... a lot. I know I probably can't get the best in all the subjects.. my interest in those subjects are not as deep as I thought I had or as I had hoped to have. Lack of interest in everything is my main concern I guess.

I don't feel like studying at all and yet I have to. Why do people have to do things that they don't want to? Well, simply because you are human. You know the word 'responsibility', or in simpler terms, 'your job'. Now my job is to study hard and not to fail my parents' and my expectations. If I can just change that 'job' into an 'interest'. Sigh.

I can't understand how I can handle all of this during high school. It was almost a breeze in high school though I still face stress all the time. I actually liked exams during high school and look at it as a challenge LOL. Maybe I should just forget about living in the past and force myself to move on. You're not the Saw Yi during high school; you are a new version of her (a better or worse version, you decide).

Well, enough of blabbing away - I've got a job to do. Haiz.. I just hope I can get pass the tests tomorrow with satisfying marks (I'm not even aiming for the highest mark, just an above average will do...)

Nick Carter - The Great Divide

im waking up you're going to sleep

and i wonder are you thinking of me

im getting ready for another day without you

and your.. just starting to dream

its hard to let it go

to make it through the day

its hard to hold on

when we're both so far away

maybe we should just move on

and get on with our lives

but how can we survive

when our hearts are so connected

that will die when you take them apart

(and) when one half of me is missing

if i can't hold you here in my arms

can we overcome the distance

make it through time

can our love raise the water

overcome the great, the great divide....

im soaking up the sun you're underneath the moon

and i wish that i could share it with you

you live your life and im living mine

somehow we've got to find a way to get through

its hard to let it go

to make it through the day

its hard to hold on

when we're both so far away

maybe we should just move on

and get on with our lives

but how can we survive

(how can we survive)

when our hearts are so connected

that will die when you take them apart

and when one half of me is missing

if i can't hold you here in my arms

can we overcome the distance

make it through time

can our love raise the water

overcome the great, the great divide......

the great divide

i keep waiting for the day

where we find a place to stay

and when we'll always wake -up- together (always will be)

and *i* keep waiting for the time

every single night, belongs to me and you

we will never have to move... again

we can spread our roots... and grow woah

cos our hearts are so connected

that will die when you take them apart

and when one half of me is missing

if i can't hold you here in my arms

Can we overcome the distance

make it through time

can our love raise the water

overcome the great, the great.... divide

Woahhh

the great divide ohh yeah

"And another :)" - S.Y

Nick Carter - I Got You

People tell me, you stay where you belong

But all my life I've tried

To prove them wrong

They say I'm looking for

Something that can't be found

They say I'm missing out

If my feet don't touch the ground

But there are moments

When you can't deny what's true

Just an ordinary day

Like when I met you

It's funny how life can take new meaning

You came and changed what I believe in

The world on the outside is trying to pull me in

But they can't touch me

'Cause I........ got you

I got you

Oh yeah

I want to thank you

For all of the things you've done

And most for choosing me

To be the one

It's funny how life can take new meaning

You came and changed what I believe in

The world on the outside is trying to pull me in

But they can't touch me

'Cause I........ got you

And it hits me when I reach for you

That I'm afraid you won't be there

Maybe I am in too deep

But I *don't care........*

(Where would I belong)

*I got you....*

Yeah

I want to prove them wrong

I've got you yeah

You can't deny what's true.. no

They can't touch me, yeah yeah

I got you

I got *you*

oh yeahh

I got you baby

You can't deny what's true

No, they can't touch me

'Cause I......... got you

"Need I say more? Haha" - S.Y

Nick Carter - Help Me

I wish I could define

All the thoughts that crossed my mind

They seem too big for me to choose

I don't know which ones to lose

When I'm falling down so far

I think I'll never see your light

Bouncing off of me

Shining down here from your eyes

Help me

Figure out the difference

Between right and wrong

Weak and strong

Day and night

Where I belong and

Help me

Make the right decisions

Know which way to turn

Lessons to learn

And just what my pur-pose is here

It's like I got the signals crossed

With messages I can't decode

Half asleep, never wide awake

And I'm in, complete overload

I got- so much information here

And nothing I can really grasp

I should know the truth

But I'm too afraid so I have to ask

Help me

Figure out the difference

Between right and wrong

Weak and strong

Day and night

Where I belong and

Help me (Help me)

Make the right decisions

Know which way to turn

Lessons to learn

And just what my pur-pose is here

Wanna know you

More than anything

I need you

In my every dream, you're there for me

Do you love me?

For who I am, no angel

Just an ordinary man

Help me figure out why I'm stuck in the middle

Trying to understand why I can't

Why you're such a riddle

Got my eyes crossed

I'm thinking so hard and I know I'm missing the mark

Can you help me sort out

All this information

I'm just rackin' my brain, baby

Paying attention

But I'm still lost

And at all costs

I

I gotta know (gotta know, oh)

Help me

Figure out the difference

Between right and wrong

Weak and strong

Day and night

Where I belong and

Help me (Help me)

Make the right decisions

Know which way to turn

Lessons to learn

And just what my purpose is here

Help me figure out why I'm stuck in the middle

Trying to understand why I can't

Why you're such a riddle

Got my eyes crossed

I'm thinking so hard and I know -I'm missing the mark

Can you help me sort out

All this information

I'm just rackin' my brain, baby

Paying attention

But I'm still lost

And at all costs

I gotta know

"I LOVE BSB! Haha! Even though this is not actually a BSB song but it's close - one of its members (Nick) came out with this. *wub*" - S.Y