You reap what you sow... is that true?

My friend once told me that she did studied hard enough and she went into the exam hall as confident as possible. However, once she looked at the questions... they just look gibberish to her. She need to know what the question is asking or how on earth is she going to give the answers?

My case... well... I've studied hard and well. I memorized all the formulas needed and know well enough how to use them. I understood the concepts, the theories...... I thought I did well in the test too. I really did. Maybe a few silly mistakes here and there... a couple of marks deducted.. well, it's no big deal, but wait! When the results came out, it's totally not what I had expected. It's way... way, WAY, a lot less than what I had expected. It shattered my heart, my mind, my will to keep going; to keep fighting on... What's the use? Since I'm fated -yes, fated- to get such low and disgraceful marks anyway. What IS the point?

There's no point at all. I study to get that friggin degree... that's it. I've lost my interest in these subjects anyway. Sure, I get interested sometimes when the lecturer said something that I can relate to but most of the time... well, no. Those classes are just plain boring, with a capital B.

I'm at lost as to what to do. It's useless to fight to get what you want anymore. I've been proven right over and over again. It's like life doesn't want me to forget it and keep smashing my face into the pie that's called reality/facts. I've got to face the facts - I thought I did well, I thought I've studied well, but the results sucks #$%@ - Did I really did all the above well enough? I'm very convinced that I did though I might not be.

I just don't understand my situation here. Was my studying methods wrong? Was my understanding of the question wrong? Was I guided to the wrong direction by the lecturer? Was I blinded by the scary truth that I might be a dumb person after all? I need to know the truth, the answer... is there anyone to help me find it?

I SO hate myself right now (I'm not sorry for the high self-criticism - it's just me). What's wrong with me? If the problems are from me anyway. What the hell is wrong with me?

20 marks away from what I've aimed for is something not to look at lightly. It's a friggin 20 marks. Damn! And, FYI, I'm not stupid enough to aimed for full marks, mind you. I'm just aiming for 10 marks below the full marks. It's that just too much to ask?

Sigh. One of these days I'm really going to go crazy or something. Some other pressure I can handle but just not this... the fact that fate doesn't want me to succeed in life (right now). I'm just sad... disappointed... and depressed. Even those people who studied at the very last minute seem to get more marks than me. wtf. I've used 2 whole days to analyse, and understand, and memorize the facts that are given to us. I did focus myself as best as I could and I did remember all that needs to be remembered by the end of the 2-day study period.

Something must be wrong. I'm going to ask the lecturer for my test paper back and recheck the marks as well as her marking. That's the plan and I'll stick to it though the lecturer might be very reluctant to let me see the paper.

Well, guess this is it. A final showdown with fate during the finals and I'll see what I can get. If it's not as expected, then I guess I'll just shift to Arts or something. It's just useless to continue torturing myself by opposing the so-called fate.

Adios.