Sunday, October 28, 2012

Heart-to-heart talks

You know, I have always envied people who had friends that they could open their whole self to. 

Despite my closeness with my friends, I do not feel so. Neither could I talk about anything personal with my parents as well. The nights where I would stay awake and talk to my soft toys and try to figure out the best course of action, the nights when I hugged my pillows as I cried myself to sleep, the nights where I would think of the future and the past, the nights where I'd think about all the stuff that I'd talk about if I had someone to discuss it with....

Perhaps I'm just a too private a person. I can't bear letting people know too much about me - stuff about me that I think matters the most. You've seen backstabbing happening in the movies or drama series, yeah well, I guess I do have this sort of fear that one day, who knows, my friends might just turn on me - it's best to keep important stuff to myself. But, I'm yearning to know what other people think, I need opinions besides myself as to whether I should change, I want to see if there are other perspective to things, other ways to solving a problem...

I'm also scared of one last something... that I'm even too scared to disclose it here~ knowing that this blog isn't really private. It's about feelings, that's as much as I can hint.

Sigh, I will never be able to get this insecurity about me to release myself from my own bonds. Not without help, not without an outmost sense of trust (that I currently don't feel that way about any of that I know of) and care. 

In this world, in the end, you can only rely on yourself - not your friends, colleagues, or even family.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Perhaps I am the one growing up?

I moan about how my friends are growing up and maturing and that I'm still the same old me... then I realised... No! I'm no longer the same old me.

I'm maturing as well but perhaps in a different way, a different direction, heading off into a place where only I understand~ what a dreary place it is! But well, I've made my choice - I know my dreams and I know I'm on the path there.

But then, that place have new environs, new friends to be made, new stuff to do and be learned!

Anyways, I'm too tired to cont writing this. Cya ltrz!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Convocation 21/10/12

My family-1 and I <3 nbsp="">
Yayyy!!! We officially graduated!!
My friends and I <3 nbsp="">

Me smiling widely with my gifts and scroll :P
(The rest of the gifts are at home lol)
What else could I say?

Seriously, one day before my convocation, I was thinking along the lines of 'Yayy!!! I'm meeting my friends again!' 1st, then 'Yayyy! I'm graduating and getting my degree!' 2nd and thirdly, 'Yayyy! I'm going back to Kampar~' <- okay that might be a bit fake LOL~

Anyway, had a very fun-filled convocation with LOTS of photos!!! and 2-days in Ipoh ^^

A very big thank you goes to Ah Ying who housed us for 2 nights, her mom bought/gave us so much gifts, she belanja us makan so much :D Ah Huan, for coming even though she had work tmr :) and Ah Wen, for coming and accompanying me so I won't feel too out of place or awkward (especially when hanging out with Kar Leong and the rest of the guys). Last but not least, Ah Leong, even though she was not there as much :P, but because of jodoh, we also can meet one last time (before we go back to Pg) at Long Fong Kwok =)

I wonder what the rest of the days will bring us to? Tmr, Ah Ying's going to Singapore to work. Ah Leong will have a friend when she finds a job in Sg as well. Ah Wen and I will be in Pg and Ah Huan will be in Ipoh. Maybe during weekends we can go visit her~ she sounds really lonely there. We could cheer her up :)

See how first~ and also Ah Wen's bday surprise ehehehe :P (as a 'payback' for her little prank when she almost pushed my face into the cake lol :P but my prank leh is not as bad one lar~ it's a good sort of prank ^^ maybe can't call it prank also, but well, will need to plan with Ah Huan and see how :))

Okay, tmr got work liao lor and gotta go discuss proposal >.< Feeling awfully lazy lol :P Anyway, am super tired so yeah, nite nite!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

My thoughts on people who commit suicide

Well, honestly, I do not respect anyone who take their own life. I mean like yes, you are your own master and you control your own life but do you have any idea how many people your death will affect? The easiest way is NOT always the best way.

Despite this, if somehow, one day, I've completely lost any respect for myself, I might even consider going down the road of no return. Just sayin'

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

A story about.. the sky

by Saw Yi on Tuesday, 9 February 2010 at 22:19 ·


The sound of that word will never feel good on my lips. If we're meant to fly, then the god/s would have given us wings!

We aren't always like this, you know. There was once a time when humans walk the earth, feeling the good old soil under their very feet or under the soles of their shoes. But it was all.. all taken away by...... the Nuclear Apocalypse."

Tentative children sat in front of me staring, hanging onto my every word. A particularly small boy caught my eye. Being smaller in size, he was always bullied around by others as I had observed when I was doing my daily walk around the Ship. I ruffled his messy brownish hair for a moment, with his beautiful blue eyes following my hand movement, and turned back to the mesmerized audience.

"That devastating war had taken from us.. no, it had ripped us of our birthright! Countries - yes, there had been countries - fought so.. so hard against each other. All because of the black gold.. all because of greed."

I eyed the children as I said this. Many of them stared back at me innocently. Soon, they'll grow up.. and soon, they'll learn that life's not as ideal as they seem. At that very moment, I pitied them and yet envied them for their innocence.

Clearing my throat, I continued, "Billions had died on that day... the population of the world plummeted to a mere few million. And yet, the survivors' numbers are dwindling by the day. The radiation is just too much, even the nuclear bunkers is not enough to protect them! Humanity was brought to its knees! And its all because of greed hiding under the false pretense of trying to maintain peace. Bah!"

"Yet, from that million people, only a few thousand managed to board this Ship. the Ship that had saved us.. and had brought is time to recuperate. To help salvage whatever we can, and to help the Earth heal back to her natural beauty once more."

"But!" I barked, suddenly leaning forward. The children recoiled in surprise. "But, that will take millions of years... the years to clear the land of radiation, to clear the land of the unimaginable horrors - the mutants - that lurk the earth. I'm dare say, even you all will not live to see that day... the day we can finally rid ourselves of this flying metal container, to be able to walk the earth once more."

I nodded at the children's solemn faces as they started to leave for their homes.

They deserved to know the truth, I thought. They deserved to know what their ancestors had done and what it had cost them and us, the future generation. They should know...

I stood up from my chair and walked towards the window. The beautiful yet artificial looking view caught my attention as it always do. Luck.. it's luck that had saved us, I thought. It was very lucky that the Ship's Project was completed before the war started; it was lucky that a few of the survivors had worked under this project; it's lucky that one of them actually had the code to activate it...

Stretching my stiff knees, I walked to the small garden outside. How many had died when we tried to make a break for this Ship? How many? The limited radiation suits had drastically reduced the number of survivors. Not to mention the sudden discovery of the mutants - disfigured and misshapen-ed creatures - as human-eaters. Even the plants had started to pick off people, one-by-one, from our rag-tag band of scientists and lab workers. The plants gobbled poor Dr Pang whole! The thought of it popped goosebumps all over my body. If the current Earth is not hell, I'm not sure what is.

Something bright blinded me for a moment. Shielding my tired eyes, I saw the sunlight glittering off the solar panels on the sides of our transparent dome - our cell.

It was a major feat to be able to construct such a marvelous Ship. It had everything a person could want - shops, malls, restaurants and row and rows of residential houses. There are even hydroponic green houses to grow food in (we are mostly vegetarians now, although meat is still available - there is a few animal farms here - but it is very hard and expensive to come by), a enormous air purifying machine and a huge water recycling 'factory' at the end of the Ship. There are even cars - electric ones mind you, so as not to pollute the air. Everything and anything, it seems, had been well taken care off. It was also well stocked for a take off when we took over it.

There was even a major science facility with chemical supplies that will last for a very long time, provided of course we exercise moderation. It was this facility that had helped us to create the new generation of test tube babies - since most of the females are rendered infertile as a result of the radiation.

Also, since most of the survivors, who have had ready access to radiation suits, are scientists themselves, it is easy to start a breeding program. The engineers took care of the Ship and its course while the botanists took care of the greenhouse plants. It was all done systematically and without much argument as they know.. we know.. all we will ever have is us. We have tried to save as many people as possible. We've flied to the most remote areas around the world to seek for survivors. We did our very best but still we could not have imagined how many that we had missed and was left to perish in that devilish land.

Why? Why must it happen? I had a joyous life before the war. A bright future awaits me. And then a heavy black fog just descend all around me. Blinding me. Taking away my loved ones. Backed me into a corner and left me to die of despair, of hopelessness, of loneliness. Why?

I sat down at the garden bench, looking at the minor trickle of cars moving along the street in front of my house. I pondered, I raged, I mourned, but the past is still the past. I'm already approaching my 100th birthday... if my parents survived the Apocalypse, if they had not sacrificed to saved me, they would probably be dead now. What about my cute baby sister? She will be an old lady by then. A single tear trickled down my left cheek every time I see my sister in my mind. Her rosy cheeks. Her shrill laughter. Her twinkling eyes.

My breathing became laboured, my chest ached and my gut felt tightened. I slided further down onto the bench, clutching my shirt.

"Fate. It's all fate." I thought aloud among all the pain that I was feeling.

I saw my whole life flashing in front of my very eyes. I was learning to take the first step. I was at my kindergarden graduation, wearing a stupid bumblebee costume. I was running at the school's marathon knowing that I will get at least a 7th. I was having dinner with my family...

With a last gasp of breath, I felt my life draining from my body. I felt no more pain. My body was slumped on the bench and I.. I, feeling so free, so weightless, floated away from my old-ridden body. Up and up I go. I narrowed my eyes against the overwhelming light and could make out 3 shapes floating in front of me -3 human shapes. They opened their arms in warm welcome.

With ghostly tears, I cried, "Mum! Dad! Little Anna!"

Written by Toh Saw Yi
Copyright reserved =)

The Battle of Words

The Battle of Words
by Saw Yi on Friday, 30 April 2010 at 12:32 ·


'Ready or not, here they come.' Commander Dirk said while pointing to the north. I followed his gaze.

Blotting out the horizon, I spied rows after rows of soldiers, all in their splendid armour and glory, with flags bearing the bloody letter 'E'.

'Prepare for battle, men!' I shouted. 'Blow the horn!' The horns bellowed a challenging cry to the mass in front of us as the drums raised the courage of my men.. and also their fears - my fears. We are facing the unknown here. All the battle strategies planned nights after nights may all come to nought.

After awhile the enemy sent a challenging cry in return - the game is on!

'Commander, see to the vanguard. Do not let them pass. I shall lead the charge.'

'Aye, general.' Reeling his horse around, he left, leaving a trail of dust behind him.

I turned to face my soldiers. I can see them feeling jittery, nervous and anxious, wondering how the hell did they ended up in this place. I feel no different. Their battle drills, as well as my strategies, are going to be tested in battle soon and, for certain, there will be no master-of-arms to help out when things get bloody. All of them are young men, leaving their farms and boats to serve their country and there is no turning back. I must do what I can to let them feel energized and brave.

'Men, this is THE chance to prove yourselves. Blood will be split. Tears will be shed. But never, never give up! Show them our courage, our persistence, show them our battle techniques, show them our power and intellect! Leave no man standing!'

My people roared. Swords and pikes filled the air alongside the cheer. I nodded at them and turned back to face the massing enemy.

'We are overnumbered.' I thought dreadfully, 'But we will give them a fight that they will never forget. A fight that our future generation will remember us by.'

The enemy general rode out front on his white mare. He's leading the charge as well. I look forward to meeting him in battle.

Another horn blared and the enemy charged.

'Charge!!!!' I cried, spurring my chestnut-coloured horse forward. Battle shouts and cries rose from my flanks. Our forward clashed mightily with theirs. Sounds of shields crashing into shields as well as the sound of steel against steel rang noisily over the chaos.

With my lance, I speared 3 enemies in one blow but a pikeman drove his pike right through the neck of my horse, missing my throat by inches. I threw the lance down and drew out my sword. The pikeman went down with a quick swish of my sword. Blood spilled over my tunic and helm but I continued charging on. Faceless enemies after enemies surrounded me and I took their heads off with a mighty slash of the sword. Bodies lay around me. The metallic stench of blood made almost made me retched but I still plough on. I must not give up.

Time flew by so slow. I moved with a slow-mo style, cutting down enemies left and right of me. By now, I had suffered a deep cut to my left shoulder and a few minor cuts on my chest, arms and back. My ruined helm was gone as well. My only defense against the madness of battle was covered in red-brownish stains - my tunic was drenched in red-brownish stains. I do not know how well did our vanguard did against their vanguard but all around me I see corpses of my men as well as the enemies.

'Have we lost the battle?' I thought. A few men from my company rallied around me. We were fighting the incoming enemies back to back.

All of a sudden, a horn blared... thrice. It's not our horn though.

It seemed that the enemy general has fallen. My men cheered, pumping their fists into the air, as the enemies dropped their weapons and ran with their tailed tucked between their legs. We gave pursuit but we've soon lost them in the thick jungles beyond the battlefield.


I laughed softly as I kept my stationaries into my pencil box.

A battle I have fought but not a battle of flesh and blood - instead, it was a battle of words. I, with my words, my knowledge, my facts, have entered the battlefield and had managed to leave it unscathed, save for a couple of blows (questions that I don't know how to answer, questions that I don't understand etc). And now, I'm waiting for the outcome....

Monday, October 1, 2012

My thoughts and feelings

Keeping in touch is just a myth ~ there is no such thing. When people mature, they move on. People who cling to the tattered remains will be left behind. It has always been this way and it will always be. It takes both people's efforts to KIT and not one. Any kind of r/ship will need effort from both sides.

I missed the days we had but I have to let go too. I don't want to be left behind...


Why should I keep holding on? These rocks are cutting into my hands and you're just watching me bleed. I could just let this go and land safely on the other side. It'll be strange waters but I can make it. I know I can. But won't it be such a waste of time to climb up to the top of your cliff in the first place?

I don't understand why you won't lend me a hand?


Emotions are one of the ways to express your feelings, but they tend to get in the way when you're discussing about your feelings.