You know, I have always envied people who had friends that they could open their whole self to.
Despite my closeness with my friends, I do not feel so. Neither could I talk about anything personal with my parents as well. The nights where I would stay awake and talk to my soft toys and try to figure out the best course of action, the nights when I hugged my pillows as I cried myself to sleep, the nights where I would think of the future and the past, the nights where I'd think about all the stuff that I'd talk about if I had someone to discuss it with....
Perhaps I'm just a too private a person. I can't bear letting people know too much about me - stuff about me that I think matters the most. You've seen backstabbing happening in the movies or drama series, yeah well, I guess I do have this sort of fear that one day, who knows, my friends might just turn on me - it's best to keep important stuff to myself. But, I'm yearning to know what other people think, I need opinions besides myself as to whether I should change, I want to see if there are other perspective to things, other ways to solving a problem...
I'm also scared of one last something... that I'm even too scared to disclose it here~ knowing that this blog isn't really private. It's about feelings, that's as much as I can hint.
Sigh, I will never be able to get this insecurity about me to release myself from my own bonds. Not without help, not without an outmost sense of trust (that I currently don't feel that way about any of that I know of) and care.
In this world, in the end, you can only rely on yourself - not your friends, colleagues, or even family.
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