This title is a bit philosophical but well, let's just do this.
Dreams. Today, I just had my dream job (a scientific mag/book [fiction/non-fiction] writer/columnist) crushed to the ground by my father. T.T Perhaps my motivation in doing postgrad is wrong - I was hoping to get credibility for my future publications but well, my will power isn't that good I guess. I'm wavering between ditching everything to get a good stable job with a good stable income and to hell to my dream (though, thinking about it, I don't exactly need a MSc or a Doctorate to write). In Msia, there are no local publishing firms which specialise in Discovery Channel Mag or National Geographic type of magazines. There are some scientific articles (with way less jargons) in newspapers but those jobs are like really hard to get since I have -nil- experience in writing professionally. Writing in a blog? Yeah, sure, but I'm not a writing factory and I cannot churn out enough well-written articles to get any notice or even earn anything. Some people are actually doing these stuff for free.... how am I going to compete? I can write for fun.. if I had the time.
The purpose of life. I just wanna scream: 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?' Honestly, I don't know. I don't have it planned out like my friends who were working or friends who know they want to get a PhD. I previously thought I knew what I want in my life, but now I don't. I just hope I won't suffer though 4-5 years of PhD studies or ~2 years of MSc studies just to land myself in a job that I don't like or get stuck in a lab forever. Sigh! Most people who study biotech in universities can end up in (super dreary and competitively back-stabbing) sales job or (if you continue your studies) lecturer or (if you're only slightly unlucky) a company that asks you to do a (very repetitive and boring) technician's work (a Form 5 student could do it, heck, for some stuff, even a machine could do it. You're just there to 'supervise' and make sure the machine doesn't mess up). I like science, but the prospects in Msia is just... ... dreary. I'm just not sure whether I could like science enough to cage myself in a life of dreariness and boredom. It might just be worth it if I don't have a family-based life ahead of me.
To have a family, I'll need financial stability, meaning that even if I muck around now, I'll need to get my head straight in a few years time or I'll miss the chance and perhaps even lose a loved one. No one likes to be someone else's burden - and I'm the same. I hope I could get a nice job at a nice place doing the stuff that I like but I guess most people would tell me to dream on.
Can people get tired of life? I'm insignificant and life's meaningless without your loved ones around. Why I cannot break away from society's bindings? Perhaps I care too much how people would think of me I guess. I mean like come on! Even if I wanted to and had the determination to continue on and finish my PhD, other people would be like... yeah, you have a title but you're poor and are just looking for a job. Well, I have a house now, enough money to spend and probably a family to be with. I feel like I would be missing out so much.
My dad told me to be realistic. In this society, to be realistic is to have plenty of stability - in terms of cash, emotions and necessities. See how 'cash' comes first? Sigh.
I don't know what to think anymore or whether that I should be over-thinking this anyways. I hate this. Maybe I should just curl up on my comfy bed and refuse to respond to anything from the outside world. Just me and some comfort.
I guess some people would say this is some sort of an early mid-life crisis. It's like I'm at a crossroad and instead of choosing a road to move on, I just slumped to the ground in despair and refuse to get up. Indecision? Perhaps. I cannot decide what I want for my life and, hence, some people are trying to force their decisions onto me. They may be trying to help me but I'm only feeling the pressure... the urgency to quickly make a decision or lose out. I just hate this.
Sigh. Why am I troubling myself with this? I kept escaping into the gaming world where everything is pretty much clear cut but ofc it depends rather heavily IMHO on luck/chance. I need to face the truth. I need to make decisions. I need to be truthful to myself. I need to clear distractions and know my path in my life. It may not be as clear cut as in the gaming world, but at least I need a head start in a right (a very objective word) direction. At least I won't feel as trapped and stucked in the middle as I currently do.
Demotivation. That's what all these problems are causing me and it's really harming my current undertakings (for example this review paper that I'm supposed to complete by the end of this week but I kept postponing it... lol). Or perhaps, it's just laziness - I still have bouts of energetic bursts of working mood that I hope to believe that I've utilised it fully.
I like writing... you can see this via this whole wall of text :P It's just me writing out what I'm thinking with very little organisation (as in I don't really organise my thoughts into a coherent flow but if they do came out in a coherent flow, then good, you'll be able to understand what I'm trying to express then). I do these kind of stuff often, just writing and not really thinking much. Going with the flow. But weird that I can't write like this when I'm writing in our diary :P maybe I'm nervous hehe.
Oh well, I'm tired... like very tired, but am planning to go a few rounds of PvE(N) on my dpsers :P Ciao!
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