I've read an article, um, more like a Big Brother column, in the Star and was rather shocked with the similarity of the problems faced by the person called Numb and I.
"Usually I listen (to the heart pouring) and give my advice but I often find that, when a person is so troubled, everything falls on deaf ears. Why do people look for friends when they have problems? When they are happy, they don't share as much."
Well, in my case, it's more like 'Why I don't pour my heart out to my friends when I'm very troubled?'. I just kept them inside or perhaps tell my mum about it but it's usually the former. I just keep bottling them up until the day I explode I guess. >.<
"I also wonder how some people can talk (probably 'bad' stuffs) about others and then act like he or she never said anything behind their backs. Yet they seem to have a lot of friends. I hardly do that but don't have as many friends."
This is so true! Maybe it's because those 'friends' are afraid of being talked bad about and thus become friends with the person that will probably talk bad about them? I don't know... it's just that my rather anti-social nature do prevent me from making friends... it's my overprotection of my privacy plus I like to live in my own world (day-dreaming). The current situation here is - I am known by other people but we are not friends (just classmates) and I don't know my classmates (I can recognise their faces but I can't remember the names. I'm having difficulty to remember my high school friends' names as well. >.<)
"I used to care what others say about me and was a really sensitive person but I am not anymore. I've learned to be numb and I'm tired of trying to fit into their circle."
This is semi-true for me. I still think I'm a bit sensitive although I've tried to become numb to the world. It's like - if someone said that you're a douche, I'll still feel hurt by the comment but will later dismiss it as jealousy or something else. And I'm tired of pretending to be someone that I am not! I'm not exactly clever by birth or anything (although during high school, I might think that way); I'm not exactly the luckiest person around either. My results came purely from my efforts and my understanding. However, my results are dropping rather badly recently - I messed up pretty bad during my bio mid-sem. I thought I did well in my statistics mid-sem but it turns out that I didn't (is 9/12 good? the highest is 11. I was hoping to get 10 at least). Is my expectations too high? I feel so disappointed with myself. I hope to get more friends that won't shun me although I expressed nil interest when they're talking about dramas or cosmetics or fashion (like the current group of friends that I'm hanging out with =) ).
"I've learnt to stay away from big groups of friends as I do not like feeling left out. Each time that happens, I start to wonder if there is anything wrong with me. Is there?"
During high school, I have two main groups of friends and two best pals (That's you Amelia and Lydia!) :) But now, I'm sticking with my current group of friends without trying to make new friends. It's like I'm afraid of reaching out to people for the fear of being hurt. Was I hurt before? I don't even know myself. It's very hard to mix into other people's band of friends if you are not from the same 'tune'/ 'channel'. I had always thought that my friends kept me in their group because I deliver good results during assignments... I thought I was being used... I might be wrong.
'Big brother's reply'
"You see too much of the truth that you have become disillusioned and jaded. You tried to help but they just seem to forget the moment they walk away"
Maybe I'm just longing for more recognition, more appreciation of what I've managed to do.
"Knowing those around you, you fear they will know your weakness, fears and doubts. so you shut off, you find that you do not fit but it hurts all the same."
True there. I don't want my own friends to, someday, use my weaknesses to manipulate or exploit me. It's that fear that had distanced me with my friends. Plus, I've always thought that I might be better off in a fantasy world of my own, having an adventure, rather than being here. I should be a writer, shouldn't I? =|
"Don't be afraid to reach out to those whom you feel are worth your friendship."
Now, you've said it.
"Give without expectations, share without asking. True friends are those who will understand and give back without being asked."
Give without expectation... now that's tough. I always have a faint idea of what I hope I'd get in return. Am I being too well.. I dunno what to call that as.. hmm. And those friends of mine (including my high school friends mind), didn't always give back or maybe they gave back the wrong thing (the thing that I don't want/need)
Oh well, guess this is it. I'm logging off to do my report for awhile. Cya!
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