But seriously, what I'm really upset is being alienated - well, the feeling of alienation that is (or maybe it's just my paranoia) and perhaps now that my results aren't 'dean list' level, I am of no use to the group. That's it, I guess. The end of our friendship... after graduation, I'll bet I will lose contact with them forever or at least, we'll be like almost strangers.
I'm really upset that, as I see it, in the slip of a tongue (or typing), my 'friend' said she is coming to Penang and to visit KW btw. Well, doesn't she remembers that the OTHER friend that she's rather close with and is part of the group is also in Penang? The saddest part is that my other 'friends' wanted to join in the trip but, well, none of them bothered to correct her or at least add in that I EXIST AND AM RIGHT HERE.
Really though, I do feel as though we're growing apart - perhaps maturing? You know, I'll bet when they get married, they will or perhaps not even remember to invite me or let me be their bridemaid - and that will be the only few occasions that I might wear a dress and pretty up (for theirs' sakes). I will not have been involved with some of the craziest things that they have done if I was not their friend, and those good memories, I do thank them for, but perhaps it's just time to let go.
I've also noticed I have always kept this sort of feeling inside and not let them know that I am human and I do feel hurt by their comments/words. Perhaps I should let them know? But then, since I only keep a few good and reliable friends around me, I might lose them all if I do so. Headache. If only they would stumble upon this and know from my words, without me being too emotional about it in public or during confrontation.
Sigh, I'll bet one of my best friends in high school isn't that eager to talk to me anymore either. If there is a troll face to describe me - it's probably the 'Forever alone' one.
I'm still thinking... what will happen after my parents moved on? My brother will probably have his own family to take care of and me? What will or could I hang on to? Nothing...
And a person without friends is vulnerable. Maybe I should just take a leaf out of Wei Yin's book and force myself (if my face skin is that thick that is) into other group outings/ chats - not exactly something that I look forward to......
No comments:
Post a Comment