The Complete and Utter Idiot’s Guide to Making Banana Fritters

The Complete and Utter Idiot’s Guide to Making Banana Fritters

Hello! Welcome to The Complete and Utter Idiot’s Guide to Making Banana Fritters. Are you ready? Good! Let’s start, shall we?

We’re going to begin our journey by assuming that you already have each of the ingredients and cooking items you’ll be needing to make these banana fritters. I know, it may be a bit of a stretch but we really don’t have time to take you shopping without, of course, The Complete and Utter Idiot’s Guide to Shopping.

So, first of all, we’ll need a bowl for you to mix the flour in. My suggestion would be a bowl as wide, in diameter, as your head. So reach into your cupboard and grab a bowl. Any will do. No, that’s a plate. A bowl should be round but not flat…yes, the plate is round but it is not shaped like a dome is it? Right, that’s a bowl. Now, be careful with it so you won’t break it. OK, put it down.

On the counter, not the floor, you…

Right. Much better. At least you know what a ‘counter’ is. Alright, you are ready to start, finally. You need flour.

            Personally, I prefer either whole wheat flour, all-purpose wheat flour or instant wheat flour as amaranth, rye, teff, atta and peasemeal flour would taste horrible with… why you are staring at me like that? What do you mean you are running low on wheat flour? How can you possibly make banana fritters without flour? Arggh! What kind of flour do you have? Besides wheat, I mean.

            Corn? Fine, that’ll do.

OK. Mix both of the flour in the bowl. Don’t dump the whole unopened packet into the bowl! You have to cut open the packet first!

            Put the packet back to the counter. Get a pair of scissors. It’s something like a… Right! That’s scissors. I must have underestimated you after all.

            Alright. Now, cut open the packet. What do you mean using what? Of course, you use the scissors! And, oh, I think I’ll take back that compliment.

            Good! Now pour the flour into the bowl. Perfect! Pour a cup of water, drinking water, mind you, into the bowl. Use that Mickey Mouse cup, it will be fine. Nice…you can mix the flour now.

            NO! No, no, no! People don’t use their HANDS to mix it! Oh, god! Go and clean you hands. And don’t tell me how to wash your hands! See? You have ruined everything! I bet your dough is full of dust and germs now.

            Ugh! Never mind! It’s not like you’ll be living for a long time at this rate anyway! Right! Now, grab a wooden spoon or just… any spoon from the drawers. Hey! What the Hell are you doing with that scissors? Put it down before you hurt somebody… and, yes, that’s not a spoon, dunderhead. There! On your left! No, that’s not ‘left’! That’s ‘right’! I mean, look the other side!

            That’s a fork. Oh, never mind! Just put it into the muck in the bowl and stir!

            It doesn’t matter if it is clockwise or anticlockwise! You are not brewing a potion! Just stir until it looks smooth enough!

            OK. Now, do you have a bunch of bananas? You have only three? Sigh. Fine. We’ll just have to use what we have then!

            Get a knife. Not those blunt ones, a knife has a sharp blade. Yes, that’s a knife… what are you… no, no, NO! Don’t test it to see! Just put it down at the counter! And don’t drop it! I wouldn’t dare to see what’ll happen if you do.

            There you go! Now, peel the bananas. Not too hard, mind you, or you’ll break the banana.

            Harder than that. You have to a least touch the skin of the banana to peel it.

            Nice! Now do the other bananas. Perfect! You are a natural monkey, no?

            It is a relative of your ancestor, the ape… never mind!

            Now, use the knife… BY GRABBING THE WOODEN END, dimwit! Oh, god! Alright, calm down… Now, slice the bananas into halves. You’re scratching your head. OK, let’s make it simpler, shall we? Cut the banana into two pieces. Two. More than one? Less than three? You understand? Good! Now, cut it! What are you waiting for?

            Just jam it in the banana and don’t worry about hurting it! For god’s sake! Just slice the damn thing into half!

            Very good! You can cut the rest of the bananas into halves. Perfect. You’re getting good with the knife. God help us all.

            OK. You are ready to fry it. Quit giggling and don’t play with the knife! Just put it down on the counter and don’t give me that mournful face of yours. Right, let’s proceed to the frying. Turn the knob to light the stove and put a frying pan on it. What do you mean it won’t turn? Twist the knob the other direction. There you go.

            Now, place the frying pan -it is the thingy with the plastic handle beside your stove- on the stove. Don’t be afraid of the fire, just put the pan on… alright, be afraid of the fire and use the frying pan to block out the fire. Right! While waiting for the pan to heat up, you can prepare a plate to put the fritters on. Remember? It is the round, flat thing in your cupboard.

            Very good! You’ll need some kitchen tissue to absorb the excess oil when you have fried the bananas. Hey! Where are you going? What do you mean you want to get the tissue? The tissue is in here! In the kitchen! Hey!

            Well, you are pretty quick. Where’s that tissue of yours? That’s toilet tissue! I did say you need KITCHEN TISSUE, did I? Well, you cannot use toilet tissue.

            Because I said so!!! Anyway, it is unhygienic.

            Right! Let’s just forget it, okay? We’ll just use the plate. Put the toilet roll away. Put it away! Don’t look at me like that, put the toilet tissue away!

            Alright! You’re almost there! Now, you can test whether the pan is hot enough or not…I think it is most probably nicely heated up now and…STOP! Don’t touch the pan to test the heat! God! Just put your hand above the pan. If you cannot put it there for more than 30 seconds without suffering from intense pain, then it is hot.

            It is hot? Good! Let’s proceed. I said stop giggling.

            Dip the banana into the dough. Make sure it is fully covered by the dough. Okay, now place the banana, slowly… and don’t throw it, into the pan. I’m sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can happen, get use to it. Repeat the steps again for the rest of the bananas. One by one. Don’t just throw them all into the pan.

The dough is changing colour? OK, don’t panic. It just means that it is cooked. Now, put the cooked ones onto the plate.

            After you have finished frying the bananas, turn the stove off. The other direction. Do I have to tell you every time you need to turn on or off the stove?

            OK. Let the banana fritters cool down before eating it. See, you didn’t pay attention to my instructions and now you have burnt your tongue. Hey, I did warn you, didn’t I?

            Congratulations. You’ve made banana fritters! Bonehead.

By Toh Saw Yi

           

 "Absolutely the most hilarious kind of essay to write! I just love writing these sort of stuff + I get to find and learn synonyms for the word 'stupid' lol~" S.Y.