My ramblings - Take 4

I know how to say this... well... I've realized today how discontent I was. I hate (um hate is a strong word... well, I dislike then) everything in my life right now. I just want everything to stop... to let me get some time to catch my breath. I don't like my university... I don't like my course that I'm taking... I don't like the dullness of my life... and I hate my internet! Why do things have to happen so fast too? It was not long before I was still in high school... still in my prime...... and now, with a lousy CGPA of 3.6, I just hate myself in a way... I used to thought.. well, I don't have the good looks, I don't have the extrovert personality, I might as well be cleverer instead. But now, I've lost that too... I feel abandoned... lost... like drowning in the river with no hope of survival... it's almost like.. my heart feels cold and empty. No one here really understands me. I am... alone. I will celebrate my birthday alone... I will get through this alone... I will...... be alone here.

Ya, I do have friends here but recent events had made me to think of their motive. I'm not exactly the funniest person out there... or even the most talkative or cute or pretty... I'm just that rugged-looking girl who rarely speak. Whatever they've seen in me besides being a good team leader, I have not seen it in myself. I shouldn't have doubted my friends... but a friend of mine... might had just played with my compassionate side and I don't like that one bit if she really did. The never-knowing-which-is-the-truth feeling is really bad and hard to get rid of.

Even at the house here in Kampar... I can't really feel at home. I feel oppressed. I feel bullied though there are no actual physical bullying occurring here. I just don't like being pushed around.. ignored.. or being seen as a freak of sorts.

I am really disturbed now... it's rather obvious to see. I'm stressed.. ya.... I'm frustrated... ya... I'm currently feeling anti-social with anyone and everyone... ya... But am I depressed? Perhaps.

But I'll tell you a story about something that happened to my friends and I while we're in the lift. There is something wrong with the lift button and somehow as it didn't received any instructions to go down, it turned its lights off itself (to save electricity I think). My friends freaked out real bad by screaming their heads off for like a few seconds while I keep telling them to stop and take out their handphones so I can see better where is the lift's buttons... I was trying to get the lift to open the door.

Truthfully, I also dislike high-pitched girly shrieks... they just annoy the hell out of me. However, at that time, a person pushed the open button for the lift on the other side of the lift looking mildly surprised to hear screaming inside the lift. It was embrassing... to my friends but not to me coz I knew I never screamed or shouted, even, during that incident. I had kept a calm head and thought of a solution quickly. This actually had helped answer one of my year-long pondering - how will I react under emergency situations? The answer that I get had soothed me, knowing that I can trust myself to think clearly when I needed to during dangerous circumstances. That is a relief!

Sigh... I'm complaining about life now but who knows? The working life might just be even more frustrating, challenging .. I don't know... but one thing for sure, I will not bow down to this adverse pressure. I simply will not!