You reap what you sow... is that true?

My friend once told me that she did studied hard enough and she went into the exam hall as confident as possible. However, once she looked at the questions... they just look gibberish to her. She need to know what the question is asking or how on earth is she going to give the answers?

My case... well... I've studied hard and well. I memorized all the formulas needed and know well enough how to use them. I understood the concepts, the theories...... I thought I did well in the test too. I really did. Maybe a few silly mistakes here and there... a couple of marks deducted.. well, it's no big deal, but wait! When the results came out, it's totally not what I had expected. It's way... way, WAY, a lot less than what I had expected. It shattered my heart, my mind, my will to keep going; to keep fighting on... What's the use? Since I'm fated -yes, fated- to get such low and disgraceful marks anyway. What IS the point?

There's no point at all. I study to get that friggin degree... that's it. I've lost my interest in these subjects anyway. Sure, I get interested sometimes when the lecturer said something that I can relate to but most of the time... well, no. Those classes are just plain boring, with a capital B.

I'm at lost as to what to do. It's useless to fight to get what you want anymore. I've been proven right over and over again. It's like life doesn't want me to forget it and keep smashing my face into the pie that's called reality/facts. I've got to face the facts - I thought I did well, I thought I've studied well, but the results sucks #$%@ - Did I really did all the above well enough? I'm very convinced that I did though I might not be.

I just don't understand my situation here. Was my studying methods wrong? Was my understanding of the question wrong? Was I guided to the wrong direction by the lecturer? Was I blinded by the scary truth that I might be a dumb person after all? I need to know the truth, the answer... is there anyone to help me find it?

I SO hate myself right now (I'm not sorry for the high self-criticism - it's just me). What's wrong with me? If the problems are from me anyway. What the hell is wrong with me?

20 marks away from what I've aimed for is something not to look at lightly. It's a friggin 20 marks. Damn! And, FYI, I'm not stupid enough to aimed for full marks, mind you. I'm just aiming for 10 marks below the full marks. It's that just too much to ask?

Sigh. One of these days I'm really going to go crazy or something. Some other pressure I can handle but just not this... the fact that fate doesn't want me to succeed in life (right now). I'm just sad... disappointed... and depressed. Even those people who studied at the very last minute seem to get more marks than me. wtf. I've used 2 whole days to analyse, and understand, and memorize the facts that are given to us. I did focus myself as best as I could and I did remember all that needs to be remembered by the end of the 2-day study period.

Something must be wrong. I'm going to ask the lecturer for my test paper back and recheck the marks as well as her marking. That's the plan and I'll stick to it though the lecturer might be very reluctant to let me see the paper.

Well, guess this is it. A final showdown with fate during the finals and I'll see what I can get. If it's not as expected, then I guess I'll just shift to Arts or something. It's just useless to continue torturing myself by opposing the so-called fate.

Adios.

Almost there...

Hi again! I guess I always find myself here or hopping around the net (namely FB) when there's an exam tomorrow or something :P The worst part is even though I have plenty of time (4 days that is) to study, I seem to like to start studying late and now, I'm kind of like rushing to finish it. And yet... I'm here :|

A few more days till study leave and a few more till finals. Then, it's year 2 for me. Yikes! Time flies doesn't it? I'm approaching my 20th (thanks for always reminding me, mom :S) and that's not a good feeling at all. I just don't want to move on. Let me be a kid... stay as a kid and I'll be grateful, but then my parents won't be happy at all I guess.

Seriously, I've got to polish up my act here. I'm lazying/gaming away, ignoring what's more important in my life. Looking back, I can see my condition worsening over the years, it had not yet improved and I'm starting to worry... a lot. I know I probably can't get the best in all the subjects.. my interest in those subjects are not as deep as I thought I had or as I had hoped to have. Lack of interest in everything is my main concern I guess.

I don't feel like studying at all and yet I have to. Why do people have to do things that they don't want to? Well, simply because you are human. You know the word 'responsibility', or in simpler terms, 'your job'. Now my job is to study hard and not to fail my parents' and my expectations. If I can just change that 'job' into an 'interest'. Sigh.

I can't understand how I can handle all of this during high school. It was almost a breeze in high school though I still face stress all the time. I actually liked exams during high school and look at it as a challenge LOL. Maybe I should just forget about living in the past and force myself to move on. You're not the Saw Yi during high school; you are a new version of her (a better or worse version, you decide).

Well, enough of blabbing away - I've got a job to do. Haiz.. I just hope I can get pass the tests tomorrow with satisfying marks (I'm not even aiming for the highest mark, just an above average will do...)

Nick Carter - The Great Divide

im waking up you're going to sleep

and i wonder are you thinking of me

im getting ready for another day without you

and your.. just starting to dream

its hard to let it go

to make it through the day

its hard to hold on

when we're both so far away

maybe we should just move on

and get on with our lives

but how can we survive

when our hearts are so connected

that will die when you take them apart

(and) when one half of me is missing

if i can't hold you here in my arms

can we overcome the distance

make it through time

can our love raise the water

overcome the great, the great divide....

im soaking up the sun you're underneath the moon

and i wish that i could share it with you

you live your life and im living mine

somehow we've got to find a way to get through

its hard to let it go

to make it through the day

its hard to hold on

when we're both so far away

maybe we should just move on

and get on with our lives

but how can we survive

(how can we survive)

when our hearts are so connected

that will die when you take them apart

and when one half of me is missing

if i can't hold you here in my arms

can we overcome the distance

make it through time

can our love raise the water

overcome the great, the great divide......

the great divide

i keep waiting for the day

where we find a place to stay

and when we'll always wake -up- together (always will be)

and *i* keep waiting for the time

every single night, belongs to me and you

we will never have to move... again

we can spread our roots... and grow woah

cos our hearts are so connected

that will die when you take them apart

and when one half of me is missing

if i can't hold you here in my arms

Can we overcome the distance

make it through time

can our love raise the water

overcome the great, the great.... divide

Woahhh

the great divide ohh yeah

"And another :)" - S.Y

Nick Carter - I Got You

People tell me, you stay where you belong

But all my life I've tried

To prove them wrong

They say I'm looking for

Something that can't be found

They say I'm missing out

If my feet don't touch the ground

But there are moments

When you can't deny what's true

Just an ordinary day

Like when I met you

It's funny how life can take new meaning

You came and changed what I believe in

The world on the outside is trying to pull me in

But they can't touch me

'Cause I........ got you

I got you

Oh yeah

I want to thank you

For all of the things you've done

And most for choosing me

To be the one

It's funny how life can take new meaning

You came and changed what I believe in

The world on the outside is trying to pull me in

But they can't touch me

'Cause I........ got you

And it hits me when I reach for you

That I'm afraid you won't be there

Maybe I am in too deep

But I *don't care........*

(Where would I belong)

*I got you....*

Yeah

I want to prove them wrong

I've got you yeah

You can't deny what's true.. no

They can't touch me, yeah yeah

I got you

I got *you*

oh yeahh

I got you baby

You can't deny what's true

No, they can't touch me

'Cause I......... got you

"Need I say more? Haha" - S.Y

Nick Carter - Help Me

I wish I could define

All the thoughts that crossed my mind

They seem too big for me to choose

I don't know which ones to lose

When I'm falling down so far

I think I'll never see your light

Bouncing off of me

Shining down here from your eyes

Help me

Figure out the difference

Between right and wrong

Weak and strong

Day and night

Where I belong and

Help me

Make the right decisions

Know which way to turn

Lessons to learn

And just what my pur-pose is here

It's like I got the signals crossed

With messages I can't decode

Half asleep, never wide awake

And I'm in, complete overload

I got- so much information here

And nothing I can really grasp

I should know the truth

But I'm too afraid so I have to ask

Help me

Figure out the difference

Between right and wrong

Weak and strong

Day and night

Where I belong and

Help me (Help me)

Make the right decisions

Know which way to turn

Lessons to learn

And just what my pur-pose is here

Wanna know you

More than anything

I need you

In my every dream, you're there for me

Do you love me?

For who I am, no angel

Just an ordinary man

Help me figure out why I'm stuck in the middle

Trying to understand why I can't

Why you're such a riddle

Got my eyes crossed

I'm thinking so hard and I know I'm missing the mark

Can you help me sort out

All this information

I'm just rackin' my brain, baby

Paying attention

But I'm still lost

And at all costs

I

I gotta know (gotta know, oh)

Help me

Figure out the difference

Between right and wrong

Weak and strong

Day and night

Where I belong and

Help me (Help me)

Make the right decisions

Know which way to turn

Lessons to learn

And just what my purpose is here

Help me figure out why I'm stuck in the middle

Trying to understand why I can't

Why you're such a riddle

Got my eyes crossed

I'm thinking so hard and I know -I'm missing the mark

Can you help me sort out

All this information

I'm just rackin' my brain, baby

Paying attention

But I'm still lost

And at all costs

I gotta know

"I LOVE BSB! Haha! Even though this is not actually a BSB song but it's close - one of its members (Nick) came out with this. *wub*" - S.Y

Who cares?

Hi there! It has been awhile since my last post. :P I've been rather busy raiding and PvPing and such so... well... here goes!

I've read an article, um, more like a Big Brother column, in the Star and was rather shocked with the similarity of the problems faced by the person called Numb and I.

"Usually I listen (to the heart pouring) and give my advice but I often find that, when a person is so troubled, everything falls on deaf ears. Why do people look for friends when they have problems? When they are happy, they don't share as much."

Well, in my case, it's more like 'Why I don't pour my heart out to my friends when I'm very troubled?'. I just kept them inside or perhaps tell my mum about it but it's usually the former. I just keep bottling them up until the day I explode I guess. >.<

"I also wonder how some people can talk (probably 'bad' stuffs) about others and then act like he or she never said anything behind their backs. Yet they seem to have a lot of friends. I hardly do that but don't have as many friends."

This is so true! Maybe it's because those 'friends' are afraid of being talked bad about and thus become friends with the person that will probably talk bad about them? I don't know... it's just that my rather anti-social nature do prevent me from making friends... it's my overprotection of my privacy plus I like to live in my own world (day-dreaming). The current situation here is - I am known by other people but we are not friends (just classmates) and I don't know my classmates (I can recognise their faces but I can't remember the names. I'm having difficulty to remember my high school friends' names as well. >.<)

"I used to care what others say about me and was a really sensitive person but I am not anymore. I've learned to be numb and I'm tired of trying to fit into their circle."

This is semi-true for me. I still think I'm a bit sensitive although I've tried to become numb to the world. It's like - if someone said that you're a douche, I'll still feel hurt by the comment but will later dismiss it as jealousy or something else. And I'm tired of pretending to be someone that I am not! I'm not exactly clever by birth or anything (although during high school, I might think that way); I'm not exactly the luckiest person around either. My results came purely from my efforts and my understanding. However, my results are dropping rather badly recently - I messed up pretty bad during my bio mid-sem. I thought I did well in my statistics mid-sem but it turns out that I didn't (is 9/12 good? the highest is 11. I was hoping to get 10 at least). Is my expectations too high? I feel so disappointed with myself. I hope to get more friends that won't shun me although I expressed nil interest when they're talking about dramas or cosmetics or fashion (like the current group of friends that I'm hanging out with =) ).

"I've learnt to stay away from big groups of friends as I do not like feeling left out. Each time that happens, I start to wonder if there is anything wrong with me. Is there?"

During high school, I have two main groups of friends and two best pals (That's you Amelia and Lydia!) :) But now, I'm sticking with my current group of friends without trying to make new friends. It's like I'm afraid of reaching out to people for the fear of being hurt. Was I hurt before? I don't even know myself. It's very hard to mix into other people's band of friends if you are not from the same 'tune'/ 'channel'. I had always thought that my friends kept me in their group because I deliver good results during assignments... I thought I was being used... I might be wrong.

'Big brother's reply'

"You see too much of the truth that you have become disillusioned and jaded. You tried to help but they just seem to forget the moment they walk away"

Maybe I'm just longing for more recognition, more appreciation of what I've managed to do.

"Knowing those around you, you fear they will know your weakness, fears and doubts. so you shut off, you find that you do not fit but it hurts all the same."

True there. I don't want my own friends to, someday, use my weaknesses to manipulate or exploit me. It's that fear that had distanced me with my friends. Plus, I've always thought that I might be better off in a fantasy world of my own, having an adventure, rather than being here. I should be a writer, shouldn't I? =|

"Don't be afraid to reach out to those whom you feel are worth your friendship."

Now, you've said it.

"Give without expectations, share without asking. True friends are those who will understand and give back without being asked."

Give without expectation... now that's tough. I always have a faint idea of what I hope I'd get in return. Am I being too well.. I dunno what to call that as.. hmm. And those friends of mine (including my high school friends mind), didn't always give back or maybe they gave back the wrong thing (the thing that I don't want/need)

Oh well, guess this is it. I'm logging off to do my report for awhile. Cya!

A story.. about the sky.

"Skydwellers.

The sound of that word will never feel good on my lips. If we're meant to fly, then the god/s would have given us wings!

We aren't always like this, you know. There was once a time when humans walk the earth, feeling the good old soil under their very feet or under the soles of their shoes. But it was all.. all taken away by...... the Nuclear Apocalypse."

Tentative children sat in front of me staring, hanging onto my every word. A particularly small boy caught my eye. Being smaller in size, he was always bullied around by others as I had observed when I was doing my daily walk around the Ship. I ruffled his messy brownish hair for a moment, with his beautiful blue eyes following my hand movement, and turned back to the mesmerized audience.

"That devastating war had taken from us.. no, it had ripped us of our birthright! Countries - yes, there had been countries - fought so.. so hard against each other. All because of the black gold.. all because of greed."

I eyed the children as I said this. Many of them stared back at me innocently. Soon, they'll grow up.. and soon, they'll learn that life's not as ideal as they seem. At that very moment, I pity them and yet envy them for their innocence.

Clearing my throat, I continued, "Billions had died on that day... the population of the world plummeted to a mere few million. And yet, the survivors' numbers are dwindling by the day. The radiation is just too much, even the nuclear bunkers is not enough to protect them! Humanity was brought to its knees! And its all because of greed hiding under the false pretense of trying to maintain peace. Bah!"

"Yet, from that million people, only a few thousand managed to board this Ship. the Ship that had saved us.. and had brought is time to recuperate. To help salvage whatever we can, and to help the Earth heal back to her natural beauty once more."

"But!" I barked, suddenly leaning forward. The children recoiled in surprise. "But, that will take millions of years... the years to clear the land of radiation, to clear the land of the unimaginable horrors - the mutants - that lurk the earth. I'm dare say, even you all will not live to see that day... the day we can finally rid ourselves of this flying metal container, to be able to walk the earth once more."

I nodded at the children's solemn faces as they started to leave for their homes.

They deserve to know the truth, I thought. They deserve to know what their ancestors had done and what it had cost them and us, the future generation. They should know...

I stood up from my chair and walked towards the window. The beautiful yet artificial looking view caught my attention as it always do. Luck.. it's luck that had saved us, I thought. It was very lucky that the Ship's Project was completed before the war started; it was lucky that a few of the survivors had worked under this project; it's lucky that one of them actually had the code to activate it...

Bending my stiff knees, I walked to the small garden outside. How many had died when we tried to make a break for this Ship? How many? The limited radiation suits had drastically reduced the number of survivors. Not to mention the sudden discovery of the mutants - disfigured and misshapen-ed creatures - as human-eaters. Even the plants had started to pick off people, one-by-one, from our rag-tag band of scientists and lab workers. The plants gobbled poor Dr Pang whole! The thought of it popped goosebumps all over my body. If the current Earth is not hell, I'm not sure what is.

Something bright blinded me for a moment. Shielding my tired eyes, I saw the sunlight glittering off the solar panels on the sides of our transparent dome - our cell.

It was a major feat to be able to construct such a marvelous Ship. It had everything a person could want - shops, malls, restaurants and row and rows of residential houses. There are even hydroponic green houses to grow food in (we are mostly vegetarians now, although meat is still available - there is a few animal farms here - but it is very hard and expensive to come by), a enormous air purifying machine and a huge water recycling 'factory' at the end of the Ship. There are even cars - electric ones mind you, so as not to pollute the air. Everything and anything, it seems, had been well taken care off. It was also well stocked for a take off when we took over it.

There's even a major science facility with chemical supplies that will last for a very long time, provided of course we exercise moderation. It was this facility that had helped us to create the new generation if test tube babies - since most of the females are rendered infertile as a result of the radiation.

Also, since most of the survivors, who have had ready access to radiation suits, are scientists themselves, it is easy to start a breeding program. The engineers took care of the Ship and its course while the botanists took care of the greenhouse plants. It was all done systematically and without much argument as they know.. we know.. all we will ever have is us. We have tried to save as many people as possible. We've flied to the most remote areas around the world to seek for survivors. We did our very best but still we could not have imagined how many that we had missed and was left to perish in that devilish land.

Why? Why must it happen? I had a joyous life before the war. A bright future awaits me. And then a heavy black fog just descend all around me. Blinding me. Taking away my loved ones. Backed me into a corner and left me to die of despair,of hopelessness, of loneliness. Why?

I sat down at the garden bench, looking at the minor trickle of cars moving along the street in front of my house. I pondered, I raged, I mourned, but the past is still the past. I'm already approaching my 100th birthday... if my parents survived the Apocalypse, if they had not sacrificed to saved me, they would probably be dead now. What about my cute baby sister? She will be an old lady by then. A single tear trickled down my left cheek every time I see my sister in my mind. Her rosy cheeks. Her shrill laughter. Her twinkling eyes.

My breathing became laboured, my chest ached and my gut felt tightened. I slided further down onto the bench, clutching my shirt.

"Fate. It's all fate." I thought aloud among all the pain that I was feeling.

I saw my life flashing in front of my eyes. I was learning to take the first step. I was at my kindergarden graduation, wearing a stupid bumblebee costume. I was running at the school's marathon knowing that I will get at least a 7th. I was having dinner with my family...

With a last gasp of breath, I felt my life draining from my body. I felt no more pain. My body was slumped on the bench and I.. I, feeling so free, so weightless, floated away from my old-ridden body. Up and up I go. I narrowed my eyes against the overwhelming light and could make out 3 shapes floating in front of me -3 human shapes. They opened their arms in warm welcome.

With ghostly tears, I cried, "Mum! Dad! Little Anna!"