Anxiety Disorders

I've been experiencing an increased of blanked-out or staring-off-into-space sessions and I'm very worried because I believe these sessions are taking a whole lot of my time - I could be reading an article 'in a daze' and understand the article but not remember it even after I've just finished reading about it. There's a feeling of dissociation. Honestly, I'm writing this blog post in somewhat a daze. In addition, I've noticed that my staring-off-into-space sessions are occurring quite a lot when I'm driving (back home from work - perhaps I'm tired in addition to not being able to focus). I'll be like looking at the car in front but not noticing the cars on my sides (both left and right) and sometimes, I may didn't even notice the car in front and hence, I've been into several near-accidents that involved me emergency braking (braking really hard). I've tried using singing to music as a way to keep me in focus. It seems to work, but now it's not. 

So, as worried as I am about my uhh... condition, I googled my symptoms and I came across this term - Social  Anxiety Disorder. Definition is as below:

SOCIAL PHOBIA - Social phobia (social anxiety disorder) involves a persistent fear of being embarrassed, ridiculed, or humiliated in social situations. Sometimes social phobia develops after an embarrassing incident.

This is one of the quoted experiences that I've read and feel that I can relate to. I may not have the severe form of this disorder, but I'm pretty much sure I have at least half of this. I usually avoid doing any stuff that may significantly disappoint others if I fail - for example, I know I love to write, but I keep avoiding actually writing anything (like a complete story) because I somehow know I would fail. This conflicting feeling is really very depressing. Plus, not to mention, I am very easily distracted and would probably abandoned a writing project that long less than a quarter of the way.

From as far back as I can recall, I feared I would disappoint others by failing to meet their expectations, that I would fail, that I would let them down. I felt a terror of being "found out that I was a fake." This affected everything from schoolwork, employment, interactions with friends, co-workers and employers. I was also terrified every time I performed in the theatre, on film, playing the piano, singing. This further damaged my confidence in these areas. I will never know how far I could have gone with these activities; I had talent and a passion for the way I knew how to best express myself. I will never know how far I could have gone in a career in any of these fields. This causes me tremendous despair. [Source: http://www.dreamchild.net/DPDR/dpdr.html]

What's even worse is that I probably have another mild-form of anxiety disorder called the Generalised Anxiety Disorder as well.

“Excessive anxiety and worry [apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance). The person finds it difficult to control the worry [Actually I think I'm not and I don't know how to control these worries]. The anxiety and worry are associated with three (or more) of the following six symptoms (with at least some symptoms present for more days than not for the past 6 months). Note: only one item is required in children.

• restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge
• being easily fatigued
• difficulty concentrating or mind going blank
• irritability [sometimes]
• muscle tension 
• sleep disturbance (difficulty falling asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep)

The focus of the anxiety and worry is not confined to features of an Axis I disorder, e.g. the anxiety or worry is not about having a Panic Attack (as in Panic Disorder), being embarrassed in public (as in Social Phobia), being contaminated (as in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), being away from home or close relatives (as in Separation Anxiety Disorder), gaining weight (as in Anorexia Nervosa), having multiple physical complaints (as in Somatization Disorder), or having a serious illness (as in Hypochondriasis), and the anxiety and worry do not occur exclusively during Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

The anxiety, worry, or physical symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism) and does not occur exclusively during a Mood Disorder, a Psychotic Disorder, or a Pervasive Developmental Disorder.”

Quote~ I get angry when certain friends say, “Well, if you research this stuff, you will start believing you have it." ~Unquote. Actually, I might get angry lol... though I do agree up to some point on this. Self-diagnosis is not the way to go.

And another quote~ I know these thoughts are not logical, they are not normal, they feel like a physical, medical disorder, and I have insight into them. But the feelings are very real to me, the fears are very real; the discomfort is very real and saps the joy out of life. The constant anxiety is exhausting and is certainly a cause for feeling depressed and hopeless. ~unquote. Right on... but I keep distracting myself with other stuff lol... and that ain't gonna work in the long run. I'll have to face these problems sooner or later.

Oh and on the side note, some info on the ability to dissociate.

This ability can be activated once again as an adult as a result of a major stress and/or not eating or sleeping properly. 

One of the easiest way people can induce a trance state is when they are relaxed and/or when they are staring : out of the window, driving, watching TV, reading a book, using the computer, when talking with someone. Fluorescent lights can trigger a trance state, so too can self absorption. The more absorbed we become, the more we can induce a trance stare.  

We teach people to become aware of how they are inducing a trance state. When people can see this, we teach them to work with their thinking and not buy into the panic/anxiety thoughts. [I could try this :) Usually though, I blink rapidly to clear my 'trance state' but you can't actually do it that often when you're driving, especially when you need to blink almost all the time - once I snap out of this 'trance state', I can easily slip back into it in mere seconds :\]

So maybe all I need is to relieve stress and sleep properly (I'm pretty sure I'm eating properly though :P). Plus I do have some bouts of dizziness. Hmm.

Anyways, I'm not wanting to diagnose myself with some mental illness but I just cannot explain why I am experiencing what I am experiencing right now and these just happened to fit my symptoms so accurately. Being a sort-of introvert, I'd reckon I would possibly have social anxiety disorder - I have never liked talking to complete strangers and would leave the talking part to other people and my anxiety was aggravated when I was in foundation - where I was, I supposed, humiliated (these are all written from my perspective btw. My friends may not think it this way) in front of my coursemates and friends and it was all because of my over-self confidence I believe. Ever since then, I've been keeping my head down most of the time and have that massive fear of making an ass out of myself. I believe that's when my stutter began... when I'm talking to strangers or people that I'm not very familiar with, I would be stuttering (I never stutter during my younger days), but not very seriously, though serious enough for people to not being able to hear my correctly and then they would say 'I beg your pardon?' and I would repeat my sentence again in a mumble or say 'Nevermind'. 

Ofc, even if I managed to get compliments or praises for my work, I would still have that fear that somehow someday people would discover that I was a 'fake' after all. That's actually a terrible way to live... I wish I would be brave enough to overcome this and be able to communicate (I know I can talk very well - I talk very fluently to people that I trust and know) to strangers properly.


Other good reads besides the link in one of the paragraphs above:
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/ptspecdis.html