Emotional Exhaustion or Burnout + plenty of ranting

Seriously, I believe I have this. Just... just listen!

Just today, I totally had an emotional breakdown right in the middle of a meeting and had to, under the false pretense of 'going to the toilet', in order to recompose myself. I was, in other words, a wreck of nerves. It has ONLY BEEN around ONE YEAR that I've been here, and now I have NO WAY OUT, unless I lose A LOT OF MONEY that I COULD NOT AFFORD TO LOSE....

There are plenty of reasons but I find these are the most general ones that you can refer to:

Causes of burnout

There are many causes of burnout. In many cases, burnout stems from your job. But anyone who feels overworked and undervalued is at risk for burnout—from the hardworking office worker who hasn’t had a vacation or a raise in two years to the frazzled stay-at-home mom struggling with the heavy responsibility of taking care of three kids, the housework, and her aging father.

But burnout is not caused solely by stressful work or too many responsibilities. Other factors contribute to burnout, including your lifestyle and certain personality traits. What you do in your downtime and how you look at the world can play just as big of a role in causing burnout as work or home demands.

Work-related causes of burnout

• Feeling like you have little or no control over your work
• Lack of recognition or rewards for good work (well, I was mostly reprimanded for failures; the good parts aren't that many anyway - I kept failing at my experiments... shit!~)
• Unclear or overly demanding job expectations
• Doing work that’s monotonous or unchallenging
• Working in a chaotic or high-pressure environment

Lifestyle causes of burnout

• Working too much, without enough time for relaxing and socializing
• Being expected to be too many things to too many people
• Taking on too many responsibilities, without enough help from others
• Not getting enough sleep
• Lack of close, supportive relationships

Personality traits can contribute to burnout

• Perfectionistic tendencies; nothing is ever good enough
• Pessimistic view of yourself and the world
• The need to be in control; reluctance to delegate to others (I had experiences with delegating and trust me, it ended up with me redoing everything myself...)
• High-achieving, Type A personality

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/burnout_signs_symptoms.htm

From the causes listed, I find that I have 4 out of 5 work-related causes (I'm a MSc STUDENT forgawdsake! Why am I having WORK-related causes?), 2 out of 5 for lifestyle causes and actually, almost all of the personality traits... I'm doomed, right? 

Symptoms and signs of burnout

Burnout is a gradual process that occurs over an extended period of time. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it can creep up on you if you’re not paying attention to the warning signals. The signs and symptoms of burnout are subtle at first, but they get worse and worse as time goes on. (And there I was thinking that I had depression... with a variety of depression-related symptoms)

Think of the early symptoms of burnout as warning signs or red flags that something is wrong that needs to be addressed. If you pay attention to these early warning signs, you can prevent a major breakdown. If you ignore them, you’ll eventually burn out.

Physical signs and symptoms of burnout

• Feeling tired and drained most of the time
• Lowered immunity, feeling sick a lot 
• Frequent headaches, back pain, muscle aches
• Change in appetite or sleep habits (oh yes... I eat more and get hungry more often, and I just couldn't sleep earlier unless I'm totally wiped out - K.O.)

Emotional signs and symptoms of burnout

• Sense of failure and self-doubt (actually with my personality, I almost ALWAYS feel this way... shit~)
• Feeling helpless, trapped, and defeated
• Detachment, feeling alone in the world 
• Loss of motivation
• Increasingly cynical and negative outlook
• Decreased satisfaction and sense of accomplishment

Behavioral signs and symptoms of burnout

• Withdrawing from responsibilities
• Isolating yourself from others
• Procrastinating, taking longer to get things done 
• Using food, drugs, or alcohol to cope (luckily I don't do drugs or drink ... lol)
• Taking out your frustrations on others (umm sometimes, when I give sarcastic replies, you mean? Then, yes.)
• Skipping work or coming in late and leaving early

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/burnout_signs_symptoms.htm

Of the signs and symptoms, I have 3 out of 5 of the physical symptoms, ALL of the emotional symptoms (no wonder I feel like my emotions are breaking the walls of my dam and overflowing into the real world) and 5 out of 6 of the behavioral symptoms. 

Now.... I cannot live like this for the very, very, very long 1+ year at my research lab... I'll go insane!!! My emotions are like yo-yos, moving up and down but without rhythm and without a warning, it'll change direction. Hence, my occasional sudden emotional outbursts and breakdowns, and gloominess. No wonder I feel unwell most of the days and when I'm far, far away from that 'place' and the 'people' there (actually, there are a few particular people pumping more and more stress into me and I TOTALLY HATE IT but I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT - they are my supervisor and seniors [seniors in terms of either age or duration of being a part of the lab]... ...)

I find that this is a really good guide on how to cope, but whether you can implement it or not, it's up to you I guess...

Self Help-Burn Out

1. Recognize the problem. Watch for signs of stress such as forgetfulness [when previously my memory capacity is leaky, now it's totally flow-through], fatigue, sleeplessness, changes in appetite, increased physical sickness like colds and headaches, withdrawal from social situations, increased mood swings or emotional outbursts. [Great, I have almost all of this...]
2. Balance your lifestyle. People subject to negative stress are often perfectionists, idealists, and workaholics, who can never really please themselves. Identify other areas in you life you would like to develop besides your career, then get involved in some stress-relieving activities [Like more gaming, reading and writing?].
3. Build positive social supports, and control negativity in your environment. Seek out projects in which you'll work with people who have a positive attitude [honestly, most people in my place are as depressed, but perhaps less depressed than I was]. If you have to work with a negative person, limit the amount of time you must spend with the person [not when that person is a particularly talkative supervisor], and stick to those limits. Look for positive affiliations in your social relationships or club memberships.
4. Gain control where you can. Ask to be involved in decisions that affect you [I've tried asking but all I get is a big fat NO].. Seeking flexible hours for work to accommodate your needs for exercise, for example, may also be an option. If you are not in control of your schedule, ask for help. Asserting yourself and expressing your needs help reduce the negative emotions of fear and anger [I really need to do this].
5. Work smarter and not longer. Begin with staying and ending on time with all appointments. Schedule realistic breaks between working or studying. Allow yourself enough time to get to places. Pressuring yourself with tight deadlines increases stress and reduces you effectiveness. 
6. Quit doing something. If you are over-committed, say "no" and mean it the next time you are asked to do another favor that will greatly raise your stress level. If possible, cut activities out of your schedule that are causing you stress [um, then I'll just need to terminate my candidature... like I was given the choice to do that...].
7. Control thoughts that you are indispensable. To control stress, you must learn to accept your mortality, your vulnerability, and your limits. [Oh I know my limits I suppose, but the one higher up doesn't... and won't care.]
8. Employ personal strategies to avoid or cope with burnout. Do something for yourself each day. Eat well and get enough sleep. [yup, I need to do this too]
9. View mistakes and setbacks as learning experiences. Acknowledge your strengths and achievements, and reward yourself. Identify your life purpose [I HAVE NO LIFE PURPOSE! T.T], and pursue activities that are compatible with your mission. 
10. Employ interpersonal strategies. Identify the people, places, and activities in your life that make you feel good [My family, so I guess I'll just stop going to the lab and stay at home lol... sigh]. Stay away from relationships that drain you.
11. Use stress-management techniques. Fantasize a mini-vacation. Take a break during your day and close your eyes, imagining yourself in a favorite peaceful place. Go to the beach and feel the sand and warmth of the sun. Listen to the birds and the waves. See the calm beach scene. Five minutes there, and you will be mentally and physically relaxed. [My ultimate relaxing vacation is having a huge hole to suck me down and I vanish from this world, not be anything... hmm not really practical]
12. Do what you love, or get career counseling. If we work too hard at what we love, we get tired. The solution to that is rest. If you are not happy with what you are doing, you may need to look for something else.

Source: http://scs.tamu.edu/?q=node/75

Oh and,

Burnout recovery strategy #3: Reevaluate your goals and priorities

Burnout is an undeniable sign that something important in your life is not working. Take time to think about your hopes, goals, and dreams. Are you neglecting something that is truly important to you? Burnout can be an opportunity to rediscover what really makes you happy and to change course accordingly.

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/burnout_signs_symptoms.htm

I want to try most of the techniques here, but I cannot actually tell my supervisor that he has a negative effect on me and, hence, I need to spend as little time as I can interacting with him (unfortunately, he is the sort of supervisor who is like looking over your shoulders every time figuratively but then he only saw the stuff that you did wrong and never the stuff you did right). I seem to have lost control of my emotions, my thoughts (they tend to run really wild and I think I'm getting paranoid... as paranoid as my supervisor seems to be) - I now have that fear that people will sabotage my work and hence I will be stuck in this hell hole with the demon FOREVER.

So the guide's finished, you can go look at something else now, while I narrate the events that I believe had led up to my ultimate emotional breakdown of the year.... I've been here like a year but I recalled that I had burnouts for multiple times already - 2 major ones, a plenty of minor ones... I feel like I'm actually torturing myself here...

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Anyway, ...

it was just yesterday when he came to see me (instead of me seeing him... I've been trying to put it off for DAYS - I really dislike seeing him, really.) and started spouting stuff to beat me down.... trust me, I've tried. I've tried very hard and, with my burnout, I replied by giving him very detailed reasons, albeit in a very sarcastic way, behind my every action, my every little experiment failures. I won that verbal war I believe, but unknowingly to me... at what a cost! In addition with a very traumatic, near miss of  car accident that I admit is totally my fault (I've tried to stay around to see if he's okay and he is, but I still feel very very guilty and would like to say sorry to him but he just rode off on his motorbike), my emotional dam just burst. I drove home and everything, and I told my dad I did something really wrong today on the road, and I just cried.

The next day, I still haven't recover from my self-loathing and guilty feeling that I had from yesterday but yet I still went to the lab coz there's this stupid presentation that I've heard about for like 3 f-ing times already... so just stop. Seriously. Throughout my driving (to the lab), I was so tensed up - it was like I expected myself to cause several accidents in my journey. I had like several miss calls from my senior (who I'm sure is just concerned about whether I will be turning up or not) that distracted me from my driving which just serves as further agitation to me. 

When I finally reached the lab, the presentation was already undergoing, everyone was quiet and staring when I slunk to a seat at the very back and very corner of the room. I was already on the verge of breaking down at that time - I didn't pay any attention to the presentation and was in fact mentally trying to encourage myself, to keep up a facade for the entire length of the presentation.... I nearly succeeded.... The presentation ended and I was almost on my way out until my supervisor called for a meeting with HIS students ONLY. Damn... then he went on to address me ORDERING me to shift my work bench AGAIN for the 3rd f-king time just because he is not friends anymore with that other lecturer who decided to claim the lab where my work bench is situated in as his own. Seriously, that lecturer is by himself and has NO whatsoever students (no potential students either, or interns, or mixed-mode ones. I mean like seriously...) and actually, he's NOT EVEN DOING ANY F-KING LAB WORK. WHY the fck does he need AN ENTIRE LAB room for himself? Like really? 

P/S: Honestly speaking, I like my old work bench - I've done like decorations around it; I put up stuff; I have more space to use; I have my privacy and I have less cold air-conditioning.

With that, I totally broke down; tried to cover it up; failed (as usual); then mumbling a very false excuse of 'going to the toilet', I rushed out from the room as fast as I could. I then spent almost 15-30 mins in the washroom trying to boast my morale up, so I can go put on a poker face and face the world. Honestly though, time seems to have no meaning the entire time I was in the washroom, pacing - I just made those figures up. Then I came out, my seniors told me that my supervisor requested we have a lab group photo for this new website that he wanted to have - so he forced his students to make it for him. This new website will definitely be obsolete in like a few weeks and the efforts used to make it? Months... 

Anyway, I went along with them doing stupid poses with a very fake 'smile' (I don't think I will call it a smile at all, it's more like a grimace but with teeth showing) and oddly reddish eyes. Well, anyway, I think they knew something was wrong with me or at least with my turmoil of emotions, and thus, they left me alone after the whole she-bang of photo-shootings and clearing a (smaller) space for me in the other lab. I went back to my old bench and I sat there... desolate and depressed. Just staring at the white table and being upset and miserable about everything.  

I don't know, perhaps I was really a gunpowder that just needed a spark... any spark then I'll blow a hole in my dam again and well, the next time, I might not be able to recover so fast... actually, I'm still very upset and depressed and feel like just dropping everything and sink through a hole in the ground and disappear. But then, I find that writing these stuff out does help... even though it's just a tiny bit, but it helps... not like some people at the lab that just knew how to heap more negative stuff on someone who is already down and emotionally burned out. 

You know what? I think I might just go to the doctor at the hospital nearby, tell them that I have depression and burnout and perhaps they will give my an MC for a week's or month's leave, so I can actually do stuff that I want and perhaps find back that enthusiasm that I used to have for lab work. But for now, I'll have to bear with this and hope that I don't get reduced to a whimpering wreck at the corner of the room, afraid to come out to see the world in all its beauty once again....

'I'm really sorry for the long wall of text, but I really need to get this off my chest. At first I don't understand what is happening, until I realised (in the washroom) that I might be experiencing a burnout (I've known about it for years but have never heard a first-hand account before). I went home (where I feel much emotionally safer) then I do a quick search. Then from there, you get this long long blog entry. Lol. Also, I don't think when I write this, I just write it...' S.Y. 

P/S: No wonder people are saying psychology might be the next breakout most-high-paying job of the year... sigh.

Other links:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_exhaustion
http://www.diagnose-me.com/symptoms-of/exhaustion-caused-by-emotional-upsets.html
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/05/avoiding-emotional-exhaustion-filling-our-emotional-tank/

Or just google it you lazy ass...