And so... here's to a brave soul

Okay, if you've been with me long enough, you can often see that I lament and complain about my postgraduate studies, and the frequency/intensity of my complaints are getting worse each passing month. And well, I saw this very lengthy facebook post posted by my lecturer from UTAR (Let's just call him Mr T). He is quite a successful entrepreneur with a Masters who wanted to get his PhD by learning with the most acclaimed supervisor in his field in Taiwan.

I never thought much about his studies - it looks fine to me since he didn't actually complained a lot on facebook lol. Needless to say, I saw surprised to see this on my news feed today.   

新年終於作出心痛的決定。[Loosely translated into: I've finally made a heartbreaking decision in this new year.]

I have decided to give up my PhD studies. Last month, I gave myself a 3-week break to think seriously about quitting.

I know that walking away from my studies at this point makes me and my love ones feel very heart broken, but it make no sense that when I realize that the research work I'm doing now to fulfil the PhD requirement is utterly rubbish (to me) in the sense that it does not contribute any good to my career development, or making me more employable after I graduate. In fact, getting a PhD makes a person's job scope narrower. Frankly speaking, I do not need an employment. I'm a technopreneur, and I create employment opportunities instead.

However, the course of pursuing PhD is not totally wasted. I have positioned myself more firmly as a technopreneur, proudly as well, ever since 8 years ago. Putting my knowledge (in algae science) into good use in the industry makes me feel even more satisfying than teaching in an academic institution. I wouldn’t deny that science and academic development are undoubtedly important, as stepping stones, and have brought me to who I am today.

Pursuance of a PhD degree during the path of my career development is a bonus, in which my supervisor has recently torn down this idea. He is a perfectionist who has high expectation towards his students, being academically excellent and more importantly being obedient. Not saying that I’m rebellious. Being educated in an American way, I respect his profession but I couldn't understand why he wants everything to be done only using his way. When the work was not done using his way, he used malicious and insulting words to discredit my prowess, even when the result was more prolific. He also denied all the ideas which are unconventional to him, whereas his ideas were arbitrarily unquestionable and unchallengeable. What could be more painful than the mental and verbal torturing from a beloved mentor who supposed to give us courage and advise? I used to treat it as a course of mental training which had to be experienced by every PhD student but eventually I gave up. It is not necessary to work in this devastating way.

 There was a time when I felt that I was useless and depressed, which was the result of his savage verbal attack. Now, I am glad that I have gone through this and regained my confidence. I trust that there are many more to be done in this industry using what I have learned. I choose to develop my career in Taiwan rather in Malaysia, despite the fact that the industry recognizes my supervisor as one of the most influential expert in Taiwan. I am now officially a “traitor” to my supervisor who discontinued the study halfway, stealing his intellectual ideas to set up business without his blessing.

I understand that the path that I choose is more difficult than any others. Therefore, to all my friends, at this difficult moment of my life, I need your support and courage. It is a turning point, and a great challenge. I thank my family for giving me fullest support, being understanding and backing me all the time. For those who gave me positive energy which I desperately need it right now, thank you. I look forward to seeing a brighter future, together we build

I seriously applaud this brave soul and I strongly agree with one of his main points - It is not necessary to work in this devastating way. I've endured (and complained) for 2 years now at the hands of my supervisor. He doesn't really verbally abused me as Mr T's supervisor, but he does kept putting me down whenever my work gets negative results. He doesn't understand how hard and how much effort I've put into this futile stupid and eventually useless + time-wasting side project despite the negative outcome. He just knows that the outcome is negative, so you're a lazy, useless student. W... T... F...!!! 

I believe all supervisors are the same. They kept saying their students are useless, worthless piece of garbage that they had the unfortunate luck to accept into their group. But then, the worse part is that they only bully the junior - and in my lab, that unfortunate junior (since Lyra left) is me. He fking compared me with a technician and scathingly said that at least technician delivers results. Sht lah you... if you give me a working protocol to use, of course I can get results but you practically want me to DESIGN my own protocol and OPTIMISE it... WITHOUT any experience OR GUIDANCE. Or any luck for that matter, looking at the results I've gotten. I've did the best I could, had given up multiple times over the 15+ lengthy methods that I've tried and it probably contributed a whooping 50% to the cause of my severe depression. And your snide comments are not helping.... at all.... oh and my family are not exactly supporting me. I mean, I do understand how they see this. They saw a cheerful bubbly lady went into postgrad studies and turned into a moody, volatile lady. They can at least smell the garbage heap of a place of study before they actually saw it. Not me. I'm practically swimming in it and I still scared to leave. That garbage heap is not at all comfy. Why don't I just leave?!

I think it's because I'm torn between what's worth it or not. I've always made any decision using this 'worth it or not' system. It failed me a couple of times but most of the time it still works, and yet, here it is... the cause of my indecision and my inability to leave.

I've been there for 2 years already. I'll be losing 2 years of work, no testimonial from my supervisor (especially not good ones since he'll definitely be fuming mad), no proof of what work I've done and how well I've done it (refer to testimonial) and hence, if I went to an interview for a job opening and if the interviewer asked me, 'I see you've graduated for 2 years now... what job have you been doing for the past two years?', I don't even know whether I should tell the truth or lie...... (I'm very realistic, no matter how pitiful your story may sound, I know for sure that the interviewer will not take pity on you and just hire you. No fking way. Not in this world anyway.). Then perhaps enduring one more year (or more) just to get that piece of paper (my Masters certificate) is the better choice? But looking at myself now, I'm not entirely sure I can hold on for that long... I might just (due to my stubbornness or persistence) land myself a one-way ticket to Tanjung Rambutan (a very famous mental institution in my country).

Honestly, I have half a mind to just drop everything and start a food business of my own - I make some real mean burritos (and I'm not even Mexican :P)... well, they are not exactly 'burritos', more like wraps. :) I've already have the menu planned (with my dad lol. He's a huge fan of my wraps) and the type of business that I think I can do... I just don't have that courage. I just don't have that money to just try and be like 'oh bother, it failed. Never mind. I have plenty of money left and I can still EASILY get a job ANYTIME I want'... lol

At my state, I'll probably own my first car when I'm 30 years old (I'm 24 now lol)... and house? Hah, perhaps after I'm 55, I will have finally finish paying my house loan LOL...

I'm not brave... and I'm not a coward either. I'll stand up for myself... just not all of the time. 

I really don't know what I should do. Maybe, it's best to just stop thinking.