Changes

Some people said that people change when they move from primary school to secondary school. Some change for the best and some for the worse. And until now, I can't seem to understand that whether I have improved or actually deteriorated.

When I'm in primary, I'm not exactly a studious student. I love to play and talk - yep, I'm a major chatterbox when I'm small - until my class teacher had no choice but to position my seat right in a middle of a group of boys, hoping that I would stop talking for once and pay attention. But, haha, I got worse.. I started talking to the boys as well xD The only factor that allow me to get to the top 5 and, sometimes, top 10 in my class is my mother's very persistant and painful way of teaching me to study.

When exams are around the corner, my mother would allow me some time to memorise (we have to memorise a list of words and their defination) before asking me. If I got one wrong, I got a 'nice treat' - a whack on the palm, but she gave me two chances lol. However, with time, I got crafty and decided to write some of the answers on my wooden study table and cover it with my hands. When she asked and I can't recall, I would take a peek - she never knew my secret :P My plan didn't always work though.

But as time passes, I grew up and also right after I got my lousy results for my UPSR. I became overly, or perhaps obssesively conscious of my self-image as well as results. I used to admire those who could get good grades so I modelled myself based on my image of a good person (the fact that I like the subjects - English in sciences and math had too helped a lot). I became a little more hardworking and strive for better results. I did it! I became the top of my class in Form 1 (1B) and 4th in all Form 1 students. I experienced a feeling of satisfaction and also pride in what I had accomplished but yet I'm not completely satisfied - I thought: "There must still be space for me to improve myself. I'll do better next time around."

In the next year, I managed to improve my position - I finally got into the 'elite' group - the top 3! I was proud of my achievements but still I thought: "You definitely could do even better. Keep it up!" I got second in my Form 3 year after a hard year of studying and I've gotten 7 As for my PMR. A rather satisfying result as I always lose out on the Chinese subject - I suck at it.. a lot. And yet, I still strive for better grades.

When I'm in my Form 4 year, finally, I achieved what I've always dreamed of since Form 1 - I'm 1st in my class! I'm so proud of myself (I think my head is starting to get into the clouds now, haha), my parents are proud of my results, my bro.. well, I'm sure he's happy for me, my teachers are very happy too. "Now, I just have this hard job of maintaining this position then." I said to myself.

I fought hard in Form 5 to maintain it - I'm actually having a friendly competition with my best friend and genius - Amelia, who had, truthfully helped me and inspired me to reach greater heights. I can never thank her enough for all her contributions - she's the best! But at the same time, I've heard of her strict father who didn't like her being beaten by someone else - Amelia had hold the 1st position for 3 years in a row now, since Form 1 (I think since her primary school as well!), I felt sad for her and a little guilty, but she didn't seem to mind. We helped each other out as best as we can and yet I emerged victorious in the end - I've maintained my position in Form 5 (And this means a lot of publicity.. sigh*). My SPM results are rather good too and as usual I lose out on BC (got a B3 there..).

And the strange thing is that, I still have this drive to excel even though.. I think it's starting to wear off. I don't know.. it's just that I'm doing stupid mistakes in tests, exams, and I beat myself down hard because of it. I'm starting to realise the importance of keeping good friends and having a wide connection. I need to change! I need my extrovert self back from primary school - but how? I'm so used to doing things alone and in my way (except when I know I can trust the people in my group to do well). I simply know that the small 'me' is locked somewhere in my unconsciousness; I just need to get it out again.

Besides, I'm starting to have this perception of teamwork - it's slow and cumbersome; the bureaucracy (voting and getting outvoted), endless discussions and disagreements. I have this idea that if the assignments are individual works - I might excel in them as well. I can't prove it yet but I still somewhat hold onto this perception. I hope to change this someday.

Besides, I'm also getting very jittery - I keep worrying and panicking over certain issues. It's rather strange as I seem to be able to keep my cool sometimes and yet most of the time, not. I reckon if I continue on like this, I might end up older than I look or end up in an asylum someday >.<


Original date of publish: April 7, 2009 at 4:42 am